Creators

 I am wanting to put into my own words what I am remembering and learning. 
  One of my favorite songs is
 When We Were Kings
 by Brian McKnight

In every heart, there is a drum that beats
Steady and strong, it does not know defeat
I feel it pound, and know the sound
Of true me
In every soul, there is a memory
Of standing tall, the proudest we could be
I cannot fall, for I recall
We were born in majestyAnd when the long fight, has been fought and won
We'll stand in the sun

And we will raise our hands
And we will touch the sky
Together we will dance in robes of gold
And we will leave the world remembering
When we were kings, when we were kings

Now is the time, here is the mountain top
When one man climbs, the rest are lifted up
With every step we're closer yet
To a higher destiny

And when we reach out to claim  the thrown
Every man will know
And we will raise our hands
And we will touch the sky
Together we will dance in robes of gold
And we will leave the world remembering
When we were kings, when we were kings


When I am not aware of my own goodness  I wake in the morning and I feel overwhelm and confusion. I am controlled by the "what about me" habits I am in.  Will I be happy today? Will this chocolate make me happy?  Will exersize  make me happy? Will pushing hard and clinging tight make me happy?  Will personal spiritual practices make me happy?  Will this movie make me happy?  Will a nap make me happy? All is an addiction to my mind and the pursuit of figuring out what it is that will make me happy.  My mind is caught in the crazy whirlwind of chance,   Lost in shifting thoughts of what I can not pin down;  The never ending search for what will make "me" happy.  The "me" is an allusion that I have created in my mind to try to grasp what I can not.  It only knows defeat.
My mind is the complete opposite of what I am.  It shows me what I am not. When I quiet my mind and move to my  heart, inner knowing, energy, spirit, connected light or true basic goodness I see the illusion of the mind.  I forget the emotions that felt so strong  and real.  I know only love, goodness, perfectness, and power.  I recall  that I was born in Majesty, standing tall, as proud as I could be.  I can not fall.  Possibilities open before me. 
I am aware of my mind and I use it to show me what I am not and quickly remind me to move back to my heart.  Live each moment with discernment from my enlarged awareness. 
Meditating on my breath has assisted me in quieting my mind.  I feel a moment of amazing expansion when I separate who I am from who I think I am. I feel the connection to light beyond our realm.  I set an intention for the day that will move me closer to my heart.  Today, my intention is to take the moment before action and connect with the heart and make a decision from there, carefully choosing each action I make.  
 I am a beautiful, powerful, passionate woman of light. Reciting and feeling this immediately moves me to me heart.  I know I can not fall.  I know I can not fail.  I know I am perfect, life is perfect, others are perfect.  All feels right in the world.
When I am struggling with habits of my mind I ask myself, not my mind, my"self" "what can I learn from this experience?"  There is always inner wisdom that dissolves the illusions of the mind. 
I can create energy that vibrates out from me changing the world.  I write an affirmation ... "I am celebrating possibilities and this moment of freedom and light."  1) I love how it feels to love this moment.  2) I am excited about light.  3) It feels so good to know I am in free fall.  4) I feel joy when I have risked.  5)I am grateful for NOW!  6) I love seeing!  7) I love feeling!  8) I love knowing!  9) Thousands of people have missed this moment.  10) It is easy to create joy and gratitude.  11) Divine love is Now!  12) My positive vibration creates energy.   I say the affirmation three times, and then each statement three time before moving onto the next statement.  This is a powerful way of creating.  I feel the energy radiating from me and moving through space beyond my comprehension of influence.   We are powerful creators beyond what we can imagine. 

Life shifts

I hugged Dallin goodbye in the dental office parking lot.  When I pictured sending my son off to college, it was not in a dental office parking lot.  Yet life hands us beautiful situations.  This was perfect for us.  He drove off.  I moved on with the dental appointments.  Life continues, even without him.   I thought it might have stopped.  My heart sometimes feels like it does if I think about his empty room.  The whole family feels the void.  Kayden mentioned how sad it is to walk past Dallin's bedroom.  Eli is constantly thinking of things to send him, and Drew asks me to send his "giraffe puzzle eraser" to him.  The table is now set for five and a chair sits empty. Meanwhile Dallin is at school, smoothly working through all of his firsts.  First housing payment, buying books, setting up appartment, dinner at a girls' apartment, finding his way on campus, studying harder than in highschool, and being independent.  I love the experience (eventhough it is really his!)   
As life moves on Kayden becomes homecoming King!   He comes home with balloons to ask a lucky girl and before I know it he has an extremely handsome suit, wing-tip shoes, matching tie, a "corsage" and needs a ride to the dance because none of his friends have a drivers licence yet either. After the dance I sat in the car waiting to pick him up reminiscing about my highschool days, watching the kids come out of the dance with realities so different from mine.  I look over and see Kayden walk out with his date, they look so young and inocent.  It takes him a moment to offer his arm. I am filled with pleasure, being lucky enough to glimpse this moment in his life. He is handsome, tender, and confident.  I love being a mom.

"Instrument of Peace" by Olivia Newton John

Where there is hatred, let me bring love

Where there is doubt, let me bring faith

Where there is falsehood, let me bring truth
Where there is pain, I'll comfort you

Where there is silence, let me sing praise
Where there's despair, let me bring hope

Where there is blindness, let me bring sight
Where there is darkness, let me bring light
And with these words I speak
Grant that I may not so seek
To be heard but to hear
To be consoled but to console,
Not to be seen, but to see
To be loved but to love

For when we give love we will receive

When we forgive love, we'll find reprieve
It is in dying we'll be released
Make me an instrument of peace

“Instrument of Peace” by Olivia Newton John

The Shift

Before I shift I am sludging through chest high mud. My movements are heavy, slow, and use immense energy. Tired and overwhelmed, I am fighting for a desire to continue.  Others running effortlessly above me, make me feel weak.  Dirty, disgusting and exhausted I long for relief.

After I shift I am a pure and precious angel of light.   My light beams brightly, radiating a path before me.   I am drawn toward the path, full of gratitude for the gifts it brings.  Flowers turn toward me and open, colors brighten and become tangible, smells enliven and energize, the air warms and lifts; the world turns toward me opening, empowering and supporting me and my light flows back.  

I started a blog!

Life as I know it changes daily.    Truth is powerful.  Some truths are eternal.  They will always be true.  Some truths are only situational.   Other truths aren't even true!  They dissolve when I take a closer look at them.    One of my goals in life is to move closer to living in truth;  Searching for truth, questioning what I believe to be true, cleaning out thoughts that I am hanging on to that are not true, and pushing in more thoughts that are true...at least for today...until I know differently. 

Dreams coming true

I have had this vision in the past.  I am not sure really where it came from, when I was asleep or awake.  I just know that I knew it somehow.  In the vision I am playing in my backyard.  I am pushing my brother in a swing and the big wood swing comes back and hits me in the face.  I fall to the ground and am crying feeling very hurt.  My father comes up to me and nudges me with his foot and says "it doesn't hurt that bad, get up!"  I then realize I have it in me to get up without his help.  I turn and reach up and grab the Saviors hand and stand.  I don't just rise, I rise in magnificence.  I am shining.  I look at the world and see how beautiful it is. I see green grass and golden sunshine.  A clean grey sidewalk cleanly cuts a path away from the house.  I skip with joy along the sidewalk.  I love knowing I am enough.
I feel like this has come true.  How greatful I am to a father who allows me to find my power within.  What a beautiful gift to give.  I know if he would pick me up and support me I would never need to stand on my own.  I love what he has done for me.   I love my father.  And I love what I have found within.

Imagery

December 1, 2011
I know what my wants are.  I want my Savior to fill the aching emtiness inside.  I want to feel His image inside, so that I am whole.  Then as a whole, I can give without fearing.  I can love without fearing the pain that comes with love.

I have an older brother Jesus Christ.
 A beautiful, strong, safe man.

 He will hold me when I am little.
 When I am afraid, He will pick me up.
 I will feel His strong arms around me,

 I smell His skin, feel His chest breathing as He comforts and protects me.
 I feel His warmth.
 My face is embedded in a soft robe and hair on His chest as His hands cradle my head.
 I know that I will never doubt His love.

 He is sure. 

He won't leave me. 
All night He will be there. 
He will rub my arms and back, gently stroke my hair and pull it out of my eyes.  I feel safe.  I can sleep with the warm comfort of calm and content.  I am happy.

 My heart heals in His presence.  He feels and smells so good.  I enjoy every moment.  I can have Him as long as I want.
 I feel strength in his arms and chest.

 He is beautiful to behold. 

He has the ability to love everyone like this.  There is abundance.
 I let go of scarcity, fear of not enough or running out or time is up or lost love or deserving.
 I can have my fill, I am full forever.

 He will always be there. 

He can go anywhere with me.  He loves me.  I can only please Him.
 I am only good in His eyes. I am enough.  I am good.  I am beautiful.  I am pure.
 He sees me as all this and more. 

He will hold my hand all the time. 

The dark, dead,  burnt wounds sluff off. The hollowness fills. My heart  burns strong and hot. I am alive.
 I lean into His touch, absorbing, healing.  Touch is so beauriful.  Kind.  Soft. Loving.  Empowering. 

He can actually be with me, inside.  An added part connecting with me.  I am more.
 I see His chest within mine. I see Him filling me. My face radiates His.  I feel our strength supporting, holding me up.. 

Clean.  Oh so clean, pure, light, precious.  I shine.  He makes me whole, beautiful.
 All I want is to please Him.  I curl up closer.  I look at His face, His chest, His arms and hands, admire His beauty.  Pull him closer, tighter.  I don't have enough, but there is plenty of time.  I never have to leave.
 I feel the ability to love others more, without fear.  I could relieve their pain.  I want to reach out and comfort, inspire, relieve, enlighten. 
Sitting in His arms is pure.  No fears arise.

 Walk with me.  Go with me.  Wait for me.  Watch me at school.
 I will run and play like the other kids, if you don't leave.  Stay right where I can see you.
 Could I really go play and be safe?  I can let my guard down?

 I  let go.

 I keep looking back.  He is there.
 I feel Him with me too!

 He is still there.  I am here, and He is here and there.

Climb, jump- I still see Him. I feel Him. Swing, run, laugh.
 The teacher comes.  Christ is with me.  Between me and the teacher.  Unless I want to walk in front.  I can.
Fear turns to excitement.
 I ask Him about my fear.  Is it dirty?  It was a need for love.  I have love that feels so much more.  No fear.  I much prefer this love. He knows, I know how to give me what I deserve.

 I am only clean in His eyes. His presence purifies me.  I feel it move through my whole body. Fear dissolves.  I feel  excitement.  I wonder if I am flying.  I feel light.

Time passes without my knowing.  Time disappears. 
He is like a warm bath of energy, filling strengthening.
 It flows in around, and through, making me more, bigger, but not lost.
 Not overpowering me, and very powerful, much stronger than just me.
 connecting.... 

There is a light that shimmers, ignites, electrifies, kindles, soothes, warms, cools, flows all around, growing, spreading. Comfort.  Peace. Joy. Love. Light. Alive.  Dance! Sing! Share the feeling!!!  I run back to His lap all day.  Like a drink of water, I want more. 

We walk through life together.  I do alot of things different.  I no longer need the approval of some.  So I just say no.  I draw others because they want to feel Christ.  Mistakes, misunderstandings are turned into strenghts, lessons, learning, good news.  I dance.  I sing.  I love.  I share.  I empower.  I  am.
I feel that I am becoming Christ.  I am.  He was always me.  We are one.

  I am a beautiful, powerful, passionate, spirit woman of light.