God within me

Is there a god separate from me "out there" that I pray to or is  God within me?  Who am I? Who is God?  Who am I praying to?  I have asked these questions for nearly a year now.   As I soaked out my frustrations and soaked in my gratitude this morning in the bath tub I all of a sudden got it!  My Ego prays to the spirit.  Spirit is God.  I AM spirit. I AM God.  Part of me is God., my higher self, my spirit.  As I pray to God out there, I also pray to my higher self.  The "I"  that is praying is ego.  When I meditate and quiet my ego mind, my spirit can take over and I am  feeling spirit/God within me.  I feel God within.  I Am learning who I AM.  I AM stregthening spirit within me.   Spirit is unending, eternal, vibrating pure energy that reaches "out there".  That is who I pray to.  Both.  I feel it!  I know it.  Thankyou spirit for teaching me.  I AM grateful.  I AM grateful to self,.  This feels amaazing, light, warm, clear, empoweringl, freeing, loving. 

Sugar Free

As I have been meditating, I have become aware that I am the observer of my thoughts and my body.  One particular day as I was meditating, observing my thoughts and body, I became aware that my body was really unbalanced.  I was shocked.  I have thought this many times and dismissed it, possibly because I didn't want to do anything about it or I didn't know what to do about it or I doubted my commitment to do something about it.  I would wake up at night with anxious dreams, and  lie in bed awake becoming more and more anxious.  I experienced a weight to life that would make every task a matter of  spirit over mind.  I was counting this a blessing.  I was learning to change my habit of focusing on the mind to living life from my spirit's view.  Yet this particular moment when I saw my body as so disfunctional, I realized I deserve to do something about it.  I looked at my options I was aware of natural methods including hormone testing and supplements.  I knew that would include going off sugar and a diet change to do it correctly.  Traditional Drs. were another option with antidepressants, yet I have been resisting this for a while.  I went off antidepressants five years ago and have been educating myself with tools to help me cope since then.  I am significantly better than I was five years ago, simply because I don't feed the emotions, I can observe and experience and not completely be overcome with them.  Yet, one frustration I am having is that I am not functioning much in life while I am constantly in a battle with heavy, weighty, amxious thoughts that I realized were being influenced from the inbalance within my body. I feel I am getting stronger in spirit, and it is time to move to the next level ...a healthy body. 
Monday, February 10, 2013 I committed to go off of sugar, gluten, and dairy for two months.  I have to know if this will help.  I am done with wondering if I would feel so much better without my sugar addiction.  I am done selling my health and happiness for an unfulfilling moment of melting chocolate in my mouth.  I called a support aunt of mine, Judy, and got information, motivation, and determination.  Thank God for relationships.  ( I have to remind myself of that..sometimes I forget I love to have others in my life and become ungrateful)  I love the people in my life!
Today is day 6!!!!!  That is a huge accomplishment. I am going to call and get myself a massage.  I am doing so good.  If you could see my spirit it is dancing!  Singing! and loving life.  .  I have been through a Young Womens party (with chocolate), a ward dinner (with a buffet of desserts), a valentines day (with chocolate) and a whole entire day of baking three chocolate cakes with peanut butter frosting. (My biggest weakness used to be chocolate and peanut butter.)  Whoa!  I am amazing. I am a beatiful, powerful, passionate women of light. And so it is.
I woke up with a headache, but my mind is calm and feeling good!  I am headed off for a run. 
 Meditation has been huge in my life. There is a strength and peace that I am finding that is blessing my life tremendously. 

light

I awoke from another nightmare at my usual time 3:15 am. I turned to Bryan, caught in the moment of not knowing if I had been dreaming or if it had all been real, and asked him who he was. He replied " Merlin murderer!" The man from my dream? I lay there feeling the dream's reality on the tip of my tongue, yet not quite able to put it together with why I was laying in bed with Bryan who knew about Merlin Murderer. I clearly heard him say that name. No other rational explanation than I was still half asleep. Was I safe or was I in bed next to the man who was about to murder three people? The question haunted me for a few moments longer. I then had reason return to my mind but not my body. The anxiety remained tainting my thoughts for the next hour, life felt unsafe. Exhausted with the relentless hook of fear I reached for my ipod and put in my earbuds to listen to Deepok, my favorite voice these days. Just before Christmas Deepok Chopra offered a free 21 day meditation challenge. I have found meditating the tool that releases me from the hook. "Welcome to day 20" he began. I was slowly focusing on my breath, breathing in a beautiful green healing light swirling through my body touching on any tightness, softening and healing, breathing out the smokey fear. Todays meditation was visualizing healing. Soon I was five years in the future, feeling amazing. "Light" was the one word that described how it felt. My body was light and limber, healthy and strong, moved with ease. I felt the light lifting my thoughts, mind, and soul to lightness. Light flowed from my being, and lit my surroundings. I had King Midis's touch, everything I touched started to light up. The light grew from small chrystals sparkling around and through me to great, radiant explosions filling my home, neighborhood, town, country, and wrapping the world. Basking in the feeling of all this light I finished the meditation. Wow! This was beautiful.

Creators

 I am wanting to put into my own words what I am remembering and learning. 
  One of my favorite songs is
 When We Were Kings
 by Brian McKnight

In every heart, there is a drum that beats
Steady and strong, it does not know defeat
I feel it pound, and know the sound
Of true me
In every soul, there is a memory
Of standing tall, the proudest we could be
I cannot fall, for I recall
We were born in majestyAnd when the long fight, has been fought and won
We'll stand in the sun

And we will raise our hands
And we will touch the sky
Together we will dance in robes of gold
And we will leave the world remembering
When we were kings, when we were kings

Now is the time, here is the mountain top
When one man climbs, the rest are lifted up
With every step we're closer yet
To a higher destiny

And when we reach out to claim  the thrown
Every man will know
And we will raise our hands
And we will touch the sky
Together we will dance in robes of gold
And we will leave the world remembering
When we were kings, when we were kings


When I am not aware of my own goodness  I wake in the morning and I feel overwhelm and confusion. I am controlled by the "what about me" habits I am in.  Will I be happy today? Will this chocolate make me happy?  Will exersize  make me happy? Will pushing hard and clinging tight make me happy?  Will personal spiritual practices make me happy?  Will this movie make me happy?  Will a nap make me happy? All is an addiction to my mind and the pursuit of figuring out what it is that will make me happy.  My mind is caught in the crazy whirlwind of chance,   Lost in shifting thoughts of what I can not pin down;  The never ending search for what will make "me" happy.  The "me" is an allusion that I have created in my mind to try to grasp what I can not.  It only knows defeat.
My mind is the complete opposite of what I am.  It shows me what I am not. When I quiet my mind and move to my  heart, inner knowing, energy, spirit, connected light or true basic goodness I see the illusion of the mind.  I forget the emotions that felt so strong  and real.  I know only love, goodness, perfectness, and power.  I recall  that I was born in Majesty, standing tall, as proud as I could be.  I can not fall.  Possibilities open before me. 
I am aware of my mind and I use it to show me what I am not and quickly remind me to move back to my heart.  Live each moment with discernment from my enlarged awareness. 
Meditating on my breath has assisted me in quieting my mind.  I feel a moment of amazing expansion when I separate who I am from who I think I am. I feel the connection to light beyond our realm.  I set an intention for the day that will move me closer to my heart.  Today, my intention is to take the moment before action and connect with the heart and make a decision from there, carefully choosing each action I make.  
 I am a beautiful, powerful, passionate woman of light. Reciting and feeling this immediately moves me to me heart.  I know I can not fall.  I know I can not fail.  I know I am perfect, life is perfect, others are perfect.  All feels right in the world.
When I am struggling with habits of my mind I ask myself, not my mind, my"self" "what can I learn from this experience?"  There is always inner wisdom that dissolves the illusions of the mind. 
I can create energy that vibrates out from me changing the world.  I write an affirmation ... "I am celebrating possibilities and this moment of freedom and light."  1) I love how it feels to love this moment.  2) I am excited about light.  3) It feels so good to know I am in free fall.  4) I feel joy when I have risked.  5)I am grateful for NOW!  6) I love seeing!  7) I love feeling!  8) I love knowing!  9) Thousands of people have missed this moment.  10) It is easy to create joy and gratitude.  11) Divine love is Now!  12) My positive vibration creates energy.   I say the affirmation three times, and then each statement three time before moving onto the next statement.  This is a powerful way of creating.  I feel the energy radiating from me and moving through space beyond my comprehension of influence.   We are powerful creators beyond what we can imagine. 

Life shifts

I hugged Dallin goodbye in the dental office parking lot.  When I pictured sending my son off to college, it was not in a dental office parking lot.  Yet life hands us beautiful situations.  This was perfect for us.  He drove off.  I moved on with the dental appointments.  Life continues, even without him.   I thought it might have stopped.  My heart sometimes feels like it does if I think about his empty room.  The whole family feels the void.  Kayden mentioned how sad it is to walk past Dallin's bedroom.  Eli is constantly thinking of things to send him, and Drew asks me to send his "giraffe puzzle eraser" to him.  The table is now set for five and a chair sits empty. Meanwhile Dallin is at school, smoothly working through all of his firsts.  First housing payment, buying books, setting up appartment, dinner at a girls' apartment, finding his way on campus, studying harder than in highschool, and being independent.  I love the experience (eventhough it is really his!)   
As life moves on Kayden becomes homecoming King!   He comes home with balloons to ask a lucky girl and before I know it he has an extremely handsome suit, wing-tip shoes, matching tie, a "corsage" and needs a ride to the dance because none of his friends have a drivers licence yet either. After the dance I sat in the car waiting to pick him up reminiscing about my highschool days, watching the kids come out of the dance with realities so different from mine.  I look over and see Kayden walk out with his date, they look so young and inocent.  It takes him a moment to offer his arm. I am filled with pleasure, being lucky enough to glimpse this moment in his life. He is handsome, tender, and confident.  I love being a mom.

"Instrument of Peace" by Olivia Newton John

Where there is hatred, let me bring love

Where there is doubt, let me bring faith

Where there is falsehood, let me bring truth
Where there is pain, I'll comfort you

Where there is silence, let me sing praise
Where there's despair, let me bring hope

Where there is blindness, let me bring sight
Where there is darkness, let me bring light
And with these words I speak
Grant that I may not so seek
To be heard but to hear
To be consoled but to console,
Not to be seen, but to see
To be loved but to love

For when we give love we will receive

When we forgive love, we'll find reprieve
It is in dying we'll be released
Make me an instrument of peace

“Instrument of Peace” by Olivia Newton John

The Shift

Before I shift I am sludging through chest high mud. My movements are heavy, slow, and use immense energy. Tired and overwhelmed, I am fighting for a desire to continue.  Others running effortlessly above me, make me feel weak.  Dirty, disgusting and exhausted I long for relief.

After I shift I am a pure and precious angel of light.   My light beams brightly, radiating a path before me.   I am drawn toward the path, full of gratitude for the gifts it brings.  Flowers turn toward me and open, colors brighten and become tangible, smells enliven and energize, the air warms and lifts; the world turns toward me opening, empowering and supporting me and my light flows back.