God within me

Is there a god separate from me "out there" that I pray to or is  God within me?  Who am I? Who is God?  Who am I praying to?  I have asked these questions for nearly a year now.   As I soaked out my frustrations and soaked in my gratitude this morning in the bath tub I all of a sudden got it!  My Ego prays to the spirit.  Spirit is God.  I AM spirit. I AM God.  Part of me is God., my higher self, my spirit.  As I pray to God out there, I also pray to my higher self.  The "I"  that is praying is ego.  When I meditate and quiet my ego mind, my spirit can take over and I am  feeling spirit/God within me.  I feel God within.  I Am learning who I AM.  I AM stregthening spirit within me.   Spirit is unending, eternal, vibrating pure energy that reaches "out there".  That is who I pray to.  Both.  I feel it!  I know it.  Thankyou spirit for teaching me.  I AM grateful.  I AM grateful to self,.  This feels amaazing, light, warm, clear, empoweringl, freeing, loving. 

Sugar Free

As I have been meditating, I have become aware that I am the observer of my thoughts and my body.  One particular day as I was meditating, observing my thoughts and body, I became aware that my body was really unbalanced.  I was shocked.  I have thought this many times and dismissed it, possibly because I didn't want to do anything about it or I didn't know what to do about it or I doubted my commitment to do something about it.  I would wake up at night with anxious dreams, and  lie in bed awake becoming more and more anxious.  I experienced a weight to life that would make every task a matter of  spirit over mind.  I was counting this a blessing.  I was learning to change my habit of focusing on the mind to living life from my spirit's view.  Yet this particular moment when I saw my body as so disfunctional, I realized I deserve to do something about it.  I looked at my options I was aware of natural methods including hormone testing and supplements.  I knew that would include going off sugar and a diet change to do it correctly.  Traditional Drs. were another option with antidepressants, yet I have been resisting this for a while.  I went off antidepressants five years ago and have been educating myself with tools to help me cope since then.  I am significantly better than I was five years ago, simply because I don't feed the emotions, I can observe and experience and not completely be overcome with them.  Yet, one frustration I am having is that I am not functioning much in life while I am constantly in a battle with heavy, weighty, amxious thoughts that I realized were being influenced from the inbalance within my body. I feel I am getting stronger in spirit, and it is time to move to the next level ...a healthy body. 
Monday, February 10, 2013 I committed to go off of sugar, gluten, and dairy for two months.  I have to know if this will help.  I am done with wondering if I would feel so much better without my sugar addiction.  I am done selling my health and happiness for an unfulfilling moment of melting chocolate in my mouth.  I called a support aunt of mine, Judy, and got information, motivation, and determination.  Thank God for relationships.  ( I have to remind myself of that..sometimes I forget I love to have others in my life and become ungrateful)  I love the people in my life!
Today is day 6!!!!!  That is a huge accomplishment. I am going to call and get myself a massage.  I am doing so good.  If you could see my spirit it is dancing!  Singing! and loving life.  .  I have been through a Young Womens party (with chocolate), a ward dinner (with a buffet of desserts), a valentines day (with chocolate) and a whole entire day of baking three chocolate cakes with peanut butter frosting. (My biggest weakness used to be chocolate and peanut butter.)  Whoa!  I am amazing. I am a beatiful, powerful, passionate women of light. And so it is.
I woke up with a headache, but my mind is calm and feeling good!  I am headed off for a run. 
 Meditation has been huge in my life. There is a strength and peace that I am finding that is blessing my life tremendously. 

light

I awoke from another nightmare at my usual time 3:15 am. I turned to Bryan, caught in the moment of not knowing if I had been dreaming or if it had all been real, and asked him who he was. He replied " Merlin murderer!" The man from my dream? I lay there feeling the dream's reality on the tip of my tongue, yet not quite able to put it together with why I was laying in bed with Bryan who knew about Merlin Murderer. I clearly heard him say that name. No other rational explanation than I was still half asleep. Was I safe or was I in bed next to the man who was about to murder three people? The question haunted me for a few moments longer. I then had reason return to my mind but not my body. The anxiety remained tainting my thoughts for the next hour, life felt unsafe. Exhausted with the relentless hook of fear I reached for my ipod and put in my earbuds to listen to Deepok, my favorite voice these days. Just before Christmas Deepok Chopra offered a free 21 day meditation challenge. I have found meditating the tool that releases me from the hook. "Welcome to day 20" he began. I was slowly focusing on my breath, breathing in a beautiful green healing light swirling through my body touching on any tightness, softening and healing, breathing out the smokey fear. Todays meditation was visualizing healing. Soon I was five years in the future, feeling amazing. "Light" was the one word that described how it felt. My body was light and limber, healthy and strong, moved with ease. I felt the light lifting my thoughts, mind, and soul to lightness. Light flowed from my being, and lit my surroundings. I had King Midis's touch, everything I touched started to light up. The light grew from small chrystals sparkling around and through me to great, radiant explosions filling my home, neighborhood, town, country, and wrapping the world. Basking in the feeling of all this light I finished the meditation. Wow! This was beautiful.